Depression, hypothermia robbed her of her feet
By Jessica Smith
Atikokan’s Kaleen Torbiak has been overwhelmed by the support she has received since speaking out about a lifetime of hiding her struggle with depression, a struggle that drove her to the brink of suicide, and left her stranded for two days in the Charleson Area wilderness.
She was rescued November 29 in time to save her life, but despite three surgeries to save her feet, both were amputated below the knee, December 8, due to the irreversible toll of severe frost bite.
A campaign to help with medical costs was launched two weeks ago by Suzanne Gaudette (www.gofundme.com/99e3geb9) includes Torbiak’s personal account, and coincided with Bell’s ‘Let’s Talk’ national campaign to raise awareness of mental illness. While still in the hospital, Torbiak began writing down the details she could recall in hopes of jogging more memories lost to hypothermia-induced hallucinations and unconsciousness.
Gaudette suggested she share her story with others, and after consideration Torbiak agreed. “If I could help one person, I’ll be happy.”
For Torbiak, who has struggled in secret with depression her entire life and with suicidal thoughts for several months preceding that day, the wilderness area was going to be her place to die. On November 27, after meeting up with friends the previous night to play darts, and saying goodbye to her new husband Marc who was leaving for work, Torbiak headed out to Charleson. She was carrying a backpack containing a 15-foot rope, razor blades, sleeping pills and a bottle of rum – and a plan to die.
“No one [would] ever finding my body.”
It was a beautiful sunny winter day, and after taking a wrong path that led her away from the Pal Lake Lookout, she sat down on a rock to rest. While watching the birds, squirrels, chipmunks, Torbiak had an epiphany: “I realized my life is pretty good, and I was wondering why I was being so stupid with these thoughts of suicide,” she recalled. “All of a sudden, the most amazing thing happened to me and I took it as a sign. Out of the blue… no more than a metre away, a baby moose [appeared] so tiny and peaceful and lonely, for some reason I decided to follow it.”
“I had my mind changed, to not want to die, as soon as I saw that moose. It was God telling me: Look how beautiful nature is.” She knew she had “a wonderful husband who loves me so much, and I have amazing family and friends that I didn’t ever want to lose.”
Unfortunately, after trailing the moose for a while, she couldn’t find the original trails, so sat down by the lake in a ravine. She fell asleep, and woke up much later to find it was night time. “I had on no jacket or boots, my socks and pants up to my knees were frozen stiff and my sweater was wet right up to my elbows. I couldn’t find my jacket or my boots.”
Still disoriented, she pulled some cedar boughs over her and continued to sleep. It wasn’t until the next morning she discovered she had hung up her coat on a tree and her boots, frozen solid, were sitting down by the shoreline.
She tried “over and over again” to start a fire but she couldn’t walk, and her hands were numb from the cold.
Her feet felt like “solid ice” but she knew that with hypothermia, it is important to keep the body’s core warm, so she removed her wet sweater, put her jacket back on, and continued to sleep.
Sometime into Saturday, she exerted all the physical energy she had to try to pull her body out of the ravine by grabbing hold of trees to try to find her way back to the trails.
“I could not feel, bend or stand on them,” she recalled. “My feet were black, you could actually see the blood in the veins was black, frozen. I was afraid if I tried using my feet I’d break them. I was having so much difficulty breathing and the more I pushed myself, the harder I’d cough. The more I tried to move, the more I couldn’t breathe.”
She decided to head back to the lake, in hopes she would be spotted by aircraft. She had not shown up for work Friday afternoon, so she knew family and friends would be searching for her by now. Torbiak returned to her earlier spot beneath the cedar tree. What ensued was worsening confusion, frequent loss of consciousness and hallucinations throughout a second long, harrowing night. Curled up in a ball she was no longer feeling the cold due to the advancing hypothermia.
Meanwhile, a search was underway, and news of her disappearance was spreading.
When Torbiak awoke to hear the voices of search and rescue officers Sunday morning, she thought she was hallucinating again.
Now two months later, Torbiak is still recovering from the frost bite, only recently regaining feeling in the backs of her upper legs as the nerves continue to heal.
Just as important, she is also addressing the root cause of the trauma.
- Life-changing journey: Kaleen Torbiak fishing last summer, and recently while in Thunder Bay, recovering from her double amputation.
Depression
Because depression isolates its victims, and distorts reality negatively, often making the person affected feel unloved, and unworthy of love, it can be a vicious circle if not treated.
Torbiak said she excelled at hiding her symptoms: “I put a smile on my face, and pretended I was fine. Everybody seems to think [depression] isn’t something you talk about. And trust is a big issue in a small town,” she said, adding that the fear of gossip and rumours sometimes makes it more difficult to be open about mental illness.
At her lowest moments, Torbiak would call the crisis phone line to talk to a counsellor, because she was assured of anonymity. “I knew a lot of the people at the Faye Peterson Transition House by name from talking to them on the phone.”
Torbiak now says her “head is in a much better place,” thanks to treatment (anti-depressants and counselling), attending church regularly, and dealing with the previously unresolved strain of being estranged from her family for six years. (She has reconnected with her family members and now speaks daily to them, she said.)
After reflecting on the events leading up to her rescue, Torbiak decided honesty was the best route for at least two reasons: the reality was likely less damaging than some of the rumours circulating, and most important, she could help others suffering in silence – hopefully before things went as far as they had in her life.
Torbiak has been overwhelmed by the community’s support; both initially following her rescue, and now that she has shared the details of that event.
“I have never seen so many flowers in my whole life,” and the messages of support and gratitude for her bravery in sharing her personal account “mean more than anything.”
Encouragement and visits have meant a lot to her while recovering in the Thunder Bay (she’s now at St. Joseph’s Rehabilitation Centre), because there have been further hurdles for her since the amputations. As she struggles to adjust, she has fallen three times, including one bad fall which required surgery to repair the damage to her stumps.
However, “the wildest thing is the phantom pains [post-amputation symptom] – it’s like a cramp in your calf in the middle of the night, but I don’t have a calf.” She also has intense muscle spasms as “my nerves are trying to adjust to not having legs.”
The fundraising campaign, set up by Suzanne Gaudette, is focused on ongoing medical expenses, which include 25% of the cost of each of three sets of prosthetics (that’s six prosthetics at a cost of at least $10,000, each, with Torbiak’s cost being about $2,500 each or $5,000 per pair), a wheelchair, and renovations to her home to make it accessible, as Torbiak will be spending a lot of her time in a wheelchair. (The Ontario government covers up to 75% of the cost.)
Torbiak is being fitted with casts, and plans to be back in Atikokan by Easter, while continuing physiotherapy at Thunder Bay’s amputation clinic.
“I’m positive by this coming summer I’ll be back walking, dancing, swimming, camping, fishing and doing any little thing my heart desires.”
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